Escape frome the Shoe Factory!!

Way back when, in 2001, I was serving with the British Army in Bosnia. We were stationed at an outpost in a place called The Shoe Factory, Mrkonjic Grad, in the north west of the country. It was like being in prison, we were all go out of our minds with boredom. Chuck in a crate of Stella Artois and christmas day and this is what you get.

It's christmas day in Bosnia and moral is low, me and my mate Mo are getting hammered in the shit hole we call a bar, in this shit hole we call the Shoe Factory and life is not a bed of roses. We are drinking bottle after bottle of Stella and becoming more and more fucked off. Mo's got a wife and 2 kids at home, I've been out of Army prison for less than 2 months and we are generally not having a good day. Put yourselves in our position. Stuck hundreds of miles away from those that love you on christmas day, surrounded by hairy arse blokes and living in metal containers, it's minus god knows what degrees outside. All the toilets are outside, you risk catching pnumonia going for a slash, there's a craze of shooting people with BB guns sweeping through the camp, BB gun pellets and cold skin are not a good combo. 

I said to Mo "Lets go into town?" 

"Don't be a dick, we aren't allowed and it's more than our jobs are worth!" he replies.

"I don't give a shit, who gives a fuck about this job, I've signed off anyway, fuck it!"

"fair one, why not, lets go"

We creep round to the back of camp and hear footsteps behind us, this jock reservist has overheard our plan and wants in. After a bit of deliberation we decide it's cool, the more the merrier. Our duo is now a happy trio. Mo goes first, trying to climb a fence of razor wire. This was funny, he got stuck on the wire and tore his arse to shreds. After seeing the trouble he had getting over me and jock decided we would just walk out the front gate. Our mates were on guard and we swore them to secrecy. So there we are, bowling into a Bosnian town on christmas day with a pocket ull of cash and a language barrier, what an adventure. The dangers were many, we could get caught by an army patrol and dragged back to camp for a bollocking and a spell in nick. We could be caught by a gang of Bosnians not happy with us gate crashing their festivities, dragged into an alley and if we were lucky, beaten to within an inch of our lives.Worse case scenario, beaten to death.

If it's not risky it's not fun. We get to a bar and it's heaving, no one is really paying any attention to us. Get to the bar and order three beers, the only 2 Bosnian words I know are PIVO and STOY, beer and stop. Getting loads of practice with pivo and haven't had to use stoy yet. The night is going great, everyone is being super cool and we are having a ball. The local police are all in the bar, in uniform carrying guns. These guy's all speak english and we are drinking away with them. It's getting really late and we decide it's time to head back to camp before we start to be missed. As we are walking home, pissed out of our heads I spot a little bar and we decide to have one for the road. As we walk in it goes quiet, we walk to the bar, too pissed to realise or care the vibe is not good. We get 3 pivo's and start chatting to a copper. A bosnian comes up to me and starts talking to me, I get the impression he's not wishing me happy christmas!! With my extensive command of the local lingo my options are limited, pivo or stoy? I go with pivo, he spits on the floor and pushes me. Oh no he didn't, he obviously doesn't know not to fuck with a British soldier full of Stella. I turn to the policeman and he shrugs and says "in this country we deal with our own problems!" This to me was a green light to chin this fool. I turned to face the offending native and smack him in the mush. He went down like a sack of shit, his mates weren't happy mind. Mo and Jock grab me and drag me out the bar, I wanted to stay and take em' all on. As we get into the street the door opens and  little mob appears. We leg it back towards camp and after a few hundred metres the mob give up the chase. We walk straight in to camp past the amazed guards, they are sworn to silence too. When we get back to our rooms Jock goes to bed, me and Mo share a room. As the door to our room shuts Mo turns around and punches me in the face. " your such a dick head, you could have got us killed" I apologised, we had a man hug and went to bed. A christmas not to be forgotten.

Ironically, the 2 guys who were on guard when we walked out of camp, decided to go out the next night and they got caught. Fortunately for us they kept quiet. It's one christmas That will be for ever with me. We were lucky we didn't get seriously hurt,or locked up by the army and the key thrown away. He who dares wins!!!